


Bless the child

by Thaum



Series: Dark Passion Play [8]
Category: Nightwish
Genre: Band Fic, Bisexuality, Emotional Baggage, Family, Feelings, Friendship, Homophobia, Homosexuality, Love, M/M, Mental Instability, Multi, Relationship(s), Romantic Friendship, Sexuality, Tour Bus, Touring
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-06-24 15:53:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19726861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thaum/pseuds/Thaum
Summary: The dark passion play world tour is going on, Anettes son is travelling with the band, Emppus parents aren't exactly thrilled about his life choices, Jukka suffers through Satus pregnancy and Marco feels he becomes a walking marriage counsel. When on top of that Tarja wants Tuomas to become godfather of her baby daughter, the chaos is perfect.It's all about children and family and our favourite couple is juggling bandlife and their relationship in between.





	1. The devil incarnate

**Author's Note:**

> This is a direct sequel to 'the poet and the pendulum' and 'where were you last night'. I suggest to read the whole series in the correct order. They're loosely connected.
> 
> All those children really exist, I just took the freedom to change their age for the sake of the story. Anyhow, this is just fiction.
> 
> And: I have sincerely no idea what the names of Emppus parents and siblings are. I made something up what hopefully sounds Finnish enough.

"I want to apologize in advance for everything that might be happening this evening."

"It isn't as if I've never been at your parents' house before. Come on, it cannot be that bad."

Tuomas looked down at Emppu. He was pale and looked incredibly nervous.

"You have no idea", Emppu mumbled and reached for the door bell.

Tuomas supportingly put his arm around him and hugged him tight at his side when the door was opened by an elderly woman. She smiled, but looked a little uneasy at the couple on her doorstep. Tuomas hesitantly let go off Emppus shoulder again and he embraced his mother.

"Hi Mom.. You know Tuomas."

"Of course, of course.. hello Tuomas, nice to see you again. Come in." She stepped aside.

"Merry Christmas Mrs. Vuorinen." 

"Please Tuomas, it's still Katriina." 

"Emp, you stupid fuck! How are you?" A very familiar looking man highfived Emppu and hugged him. Tuomas watched the twins fascinated. Antti gave him a good impression what Emppu would look like if he had become the man his father had always wanted him to be. Tuomas was glad that he hadn't.

"Good, really good, everything is well.. how is worklife?"

"Exhausting."

"Antti, you remember Tuomas?"

Antti looked Tuomas up and down. "Yes, the guy with the keyboard, am I right? Hi Tuomas, it's been a really long time."

"My boyfriend." 

Antti nodded. "Yes.. yes, I saw the newspaper." He paused, scratched his head and looked towards the living room. "About that.. you should avoid that subject.. Dad isn't.. he didn't take it well. He is convinced you're trying hard to do everything to piss him off."

"Yes, I can imagine."

Antti looked back and forth between Tuomas and his brother. "I must say, I didn't see that coming. At the other hand.." He elbowed Emppu into the side. "You two spent really a lot of time in the basement back then. It's soundproof, isn't it?" 

Emppu rolled his eyes. "We're only involved since the album release party last year - which you haven't attended. And you're still a dick."

"Yeah.. sorry. Me and Mom wanted to come, but I had an argument with Dad about my move to Helsinki then. He was against it you know. I didn't want to annoy him ontop of that more than necessary."

"Still the model son." 

Antti smirked. "I am the control group, I have to keep an image."

"It would have meant a lot to me."

Antti nodded. "I know Emp.. sorry. Next time, I promise."

* * *

Emppu looked around the table. They had collected every chair in the house including the porch to have a seat for everyone. His elder sisters with their children and familiy occupied the most of it. It was absolutely amazing how 21 people could just sit there and eat without any conversation going on beyond "could you please hand over the bread". Either everybody was trying very hard to ignore the elephant in the room or Emppu wasn't as Finnish anymore as he used to be. 

He cleared his throat.

"So, how is your new job going?" He asked his brother.

"Great.. there's a lot to do, it seems everybody wants to invest into the housing market at the very moment."

"Antti is an architect", Emppus father said and looked at Tuomas while he chewed slowly.

Tuomas smiled slightly at him and nodded.

"I am sorry you couldn't bring Rebecca", Katriina threw in and padded Anttis hand.

"Yeah", Antti mumbled. "She doesn't feel well most time. It's not an easy pregnancy."

"Really Antti?! Wow! Why didn't you tell me anything? Congratulations!" Emppu beamed at him.

"You didn't tell some things as well", Keijo grumbled and stabbed a potato. "Need to read the newspaper nowadays to know what idiocy my first born is up to."

Tuomas put his fork down and squeezed Emppus hand under the table. Katriina watched the whole scenery with a tortured expression and stood up.

"I am going to fetch the dessert."

"I am helping you", one of Emppus sisters offered and they both disappeared in the kitchen.

"It's not that far along, only 14 weeks", Antti said. "And you're seldomly here."

Keijo had stopped eating and glared over the table at Tuomas who watched him wordlessly with an unreadable look. Keijo threw his napkin at the table in front of him.

"A man shouldn't wear makeup."

"Dad please.." Emppu fidgeted on his chair. "I know we have our differences but Tuo is a guest in this house. Can we please keep it civil?"

"Differences?!? I worked my ass off to make sure everyone of my five children gets a respectable education. I raised you with christian values. All I ever asked for was you to honour what your mother and I sacrificed for you and lead a decent life. Instead you throw everything away and rove all over the world with your whimsy attitude! And if that wouldn't be enough, I have to find you for all the world to see in the arms of this.. this.."

It was apparent that Keijo struggled to come up with anything that was worse enough to express his disgust properly.

"Whatever.. later we'll attend church as every reputable christian family on Christmas does. But I assume you'd better stay home."

"Keijo, please..", Katriina had returned and balanced a big bowl with fruit and cream in one hand while she put the other on her husbands arm. "It's Christmas. Can you not make peace for the sake of the family? Let the family be together."

"They're not welcome. I cannot imagine why they should want to go there anyhow."

"Oh, but I was so looking forward to vaporize some holy water", Tuomas said, his gaze fixed at Emppus father. He leant back, crossed his legs and put his hand openly on Emppus thigh.

Emppu turned slowly to look at him. Tuomas was in full no-bullshit mode. His mouth was quirked in a half smile and his eyes like steel. His father wasn't going to be a match in what was about to come. Emppu couldn't decide if he wanted to laugh, cry or scream.

Keijo Vuorinens face turned purple.

"I should have never let you into this house. I knew something was wrong with you the moment I saw you for the very first time. Erno would have never quit his studies if it hadn't been for you and your unsacred music."

"And what a shame it would have been, letting all that perfection go to waste." Tuomas let his eyes roam over Emppu with a look, that in any other situation wouldn't have missed to achieve a certain effect. Now Emppu had to bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself from snorting. 

"You.. bewitched him! With your.. your.. that's not natural!"

"Dad it gets ridiculous", Antti tried to pacify his father.

"Ridiculous?!? He seduced him with his.. his.. look at him! No man should run around like that! It's a sin!"

"But isn't he right Emppu? Remember all these black masses down in your _soundproof_ basement." Tuomas looked at Antti and seemed to ponder something. Emppu knew that look. He almost pitied his father. Almost.

"When I think of all the hours I spent naked chained to the pentagram", Tuomas said and Antti made a strange squeaking noise, his face oddly contorted.

Keijo stared at Tuomas who smiled at him coldly.

"Must have been the blood I forced him to lick off my skin after the whipping." Tuomas' voice could have cut through granite like butter, all silk and razorblades. Emppu had never loved him more.

Meanwhile Antti had covered his face with his hand. His shoulders were silently shaking.

"Out." Keijos voice was like ice.

Tuomas stood.

"Katriina, it's been a pleasure but I am afraid we cannot afford to be a further burden to this happy family reunion."

Emppus mother sighed. "It's alright Tuomas."

Tuomas looked down again at Teijo.

"Your son is an exceptionally talented musician and a great man with an honest and selfless heart. If it is an unforgiveable sin to love him for all he is, then I am guilty as charged. I owe him my life and I am very proud of him."

Teijo didn't react but Katriina who still stood behind her husband smiled warmly at Tuomas at these words. She put the bowl at the table and nodded her head towards the door before she left the room.

Tuomas slightly bowed to the rest of the assembled Vuorinen family. "However, merry Christmas to all of you."

On their way out one of Emppus nephews tucked at Tuomas' sleeve until he lowered his head down to him. He was maybe ten. "I like your makeup", he whispered. Tuomas watched the boy surprised, then winked at him.

"Thank you."

* * *

"I am so sorry about that." Emppu said when they were outside. Katriina had hugged both of them good bye and he had his brother given VIP tickets for their January gig in Helsinki. He had made an oath to show up.

"I am used to it, but you really shouldn't have to handle this bullshit. Today of all days."

Emppu stopped walking.

"Thank you though. I will never forget his face. I was guessing who was going to explode first, Antti or him."

Tuomas smiled sadly at him and took his hand.

"You're his child, you most certainly shouldn't have to handle this bullshit in the first place. I am sorry. I am glad my parents are openminded people. However, your brother seems to be quite alright." 

He paused and pursed his lips.

"Promise me something."

"Everything."

"Don't ever cut your hair like that."

Emppu laughed and tugged at Tuomas' hand.

"Come, let me take you somewhere where we can celebrate this special day properly."

They started to walk along the the street again. Emppu kicked a pebble and remembered a day very long ago when Tuomas had started to occupy his adolescent thoughts. How different and still the same everything felt. Emppu poked his side.

"You totally have to tell me more about this pentagram thing. I feel like thoroughly worshipping you."

Tuomas laughed. "Oh wow. All my unsacred wishes will come true tonight?"

"Naturally."

Emppu grinned at him.

"It's your birthday after all."


	2. Angels

"Here, put them like this.." Tuomas positioned the fingers of the small boy on the keys, then his own next them. "I'll play here, you do the same at your side, alright?"

Seth nodded and together they started to play the little melody Tuomas just had shown him. When they finished he beamed up to him. Tuomas patted his back and smiled back. "Congratulations, you are officially the very first person who played it without a single mistake. It's yours now, here." Seth looked wide eyed at the sheet of paper in Tuomas' hands.

"My song?"

"Yes."

"Wow.." He took it and looked down at the notes. "Thank you."

"You're very welcome."

"Don't you need it?"

"Oh, I have lots of melodies", Tuomas tipped at his head. "This one wanted to get to know you. So.. it's been yours all the time I guess."

Seth watched him thoughtfully.

"Do the beetles make them come out?"

"The beetles?"

"In your head."

"I don't think I have beetles in my head. Do you have beetles in your head?"

Seth nodded vigorously.

"Oh yes, many. They mostly just buzz around, they don't make music. But they like music. Very much."

"Ah.. do they stop buzzing around when you play the keyboard?"

Seth nodded. "Yes. Yes they do."

"It feels good, doesn't it? When it's all calm inside and you hear yourself again."

The boy watched him wide eyed. "You do have beetles", he whispered.

Tuomas weighed his head. "Maybe. I always thought it's just my thoughts talking across each other and making an utter mess. It's hard to concentrate on something else when that happens."

The boy looked down again at the sheet of paper in his hands.

"I want to become an astronaut but when I am on earth, I can be a composer, can I?"

Tuomas laughed. "Of course you can. If you want it hard enough, you can be everything you want." 

"Mommy says you wanted to be an angel."

Tuomas stared down at the child.

"What?" 

Seth pointed at his arms. Tuomas looked down at them and pulled his sleeves back down.

"No", suddenly he sounded weak. "No. Angels aren't made that way. Listen to me: never, ever believe that. It's not true." 

Seth shrugged his shoulders. "I am glad you're not an angel. You couldn't teach me how to play the keyboard." He scrunched his brows. "Angels only have harps. Harps are boring." He jumped off the seat. "Do you show me another one tomorrow?"

"Yes.. tomorrow." Tuomas looked disturbed but Seth just smiled at him and hugged him briefly before he ran out of the door of the little rehearsal room. 

"Great! Until tomorrow!"

* * *

"Thank you."

Anette leant in the door. Tuomas still sat in front of the keyboard. He stared into nothing. "How can you tell him I tried to kill myself and beautify it that way?"

Anette walked over until she stood next to him. "He asked me about your scars. I said you almost died but came back to us. He asked if you are an angel. I said you probably wanted to be one at one point of your life. Am I that wrong?"

Tuomas looked up to her. "I never tried to kill myself."

She watched him for a few moments, then sat down next to him on the bench where her son just had sit. "But you wished yourself gone and I think for a while you really were. A body is just formalities, isn't it?" Anette slowly reached out and pushed his right sleeve carefully up again. He watched it warily but let her.

"It's been Emppu, am I right?" She asked.

Tuomas traced his finger along that most prominent line again, like he had done that time when Anette had recognized his scars for the very first time. The night she had hold him while he had cried.

"He found me one day. I will never forget how he sat there, utterly helpless. When he left me on the floor I knew I had to find strength for both of us because he couldn't do it anymore. I realized for the first time, if I refused to feel the pain, someone else had to do it for me. He had done it far too long and it was my turn. I couldn't go on after that. So I ended it. I ended everything in a song. My life, my dreams, me. Everything that had mattered to me. I ended it to start all over with a blank page."

"The poet and the pendulum."

Tuomas nodded. "The poet and the pendulum."

"It took me three weeks before I could sing it without bursting into tears." Anette said and shook her head. "I still avoid looking at you when we're playing it."

"I am sorry. I'm trying to keep it together but it's a trip down memory lane each time. I'll ask the soundman to turn off the vocals in my ear piece next time."

"No, no.. it's good to feel it. You're allowed to feel it. It's just so.. your music is so haunting. It's so full of emotion, intimate and deepmost beautiful.. all of it. It's like I am knowing you in ways I shouldn't." She scrunched her brows. "Okay, that sounded kind of creepy."

Tuomas took gently Anettes hand off his arm and squeezed it briefly before he let it go.

"I will turn it off."

"Yes.. alright", she mumbled and thought a while longer about his words. "Was it then when you fell in love with him?"

"No.. no, I've always loved him on so many different levels. It's been like breathing to me, I didn't think about it. But I didn't really know until it choked me to see him that run down. Because of me. It shook me to the core."

He smiled quietly to himself. Suddenly he put his hands on the keys and played a short sequence that crossed his mind just that moment as he remembered countless other days long past.

"He has always looked out for me since we were children. He beat himself with the bullies when they harrassed me, he took the blame when my parents found out we skipped school for band rehearsals, he constantly told me to stop smoking and take care of my health - well, he still does. It can be kind of annoying. He threw away his career to make my dreams come true. I'd never really appreciated it, took his friendship, his sacrifices, all of him for granted. Until the day he couldn't do it anymore. That day I realized for the first time, what I did to him. I realized I couldn't live on that way. I couldn't die that way. I couldn't do anything at all without him. That day he truely saved me."

He paused.

"You see, angels aren't made, they're always there. You maybe just don't recognize them in your ignorance."

"Oh my God Tuomas." Anette rested her chin in her hands ontop of the keyboard. It protested with a couple of skewed noises. Tuomas grimaced. Anette looked as if she wanted to cry but instead she sighed deeply. "You should really write that down. Write him a song, another one. Not all the pain but everything else. A song to your guardian angel."

Tuomas nodded absentmindedly and played the sequence again next to Anettes elbows on the keys. "Yes", he said, "Yes, I should definetly do that."

"You know, _my angel_ is five years old. Initially, I came here to free you from him and thank you again. You have no idea how much it means to me to have him around."

"It was really hard to keep it a secret." Tuomas laughed. "I made the mistake to tell it Jukka. Ten minutes later Marco knew of it and I was tempted to drug both of them until New Year. It's a miracle they managed to not blurt it out. Anyways, I am glad I could make you that happy with my surprise."

"Oh that you did. It's been one of the most wonderful things someone ever did for me." She hummed and hawed for a few moments.

"And now you take it on you to spend your time with him. I know he can be difficult.. he's always been different. He.. he is slightly autistic. He mostly lives in his own world, it's the first time he actually takes interest in something. He looks up to you."

"Nettie, don't be silly, it's not a burden at all. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with him. Quite the opposite: he is a smart boy. And gifted in music. I like him very much, it's a pleasure to teach him."

Anette put her head at his shoulder and made a strangled noise.

"What?"

"I am small and I may not look intimidating", she muffled into his arm before she straightened up again. "And it's nothing personal at all - but tell Emppu, if he breaks your heart, I will torture him to a very slow and painful death."

Tuomas raised a brow at her.

"With a spoon." Anette added seriously. "Multiple times." 


	3. Cravings and namesakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And still the name thing.. I don't know the names of Jukkas children.

"Yes, with a spoon! And we're talking about a table spoon! She'd probably taken a ladle if it would have fit into the opening."

Jukka looked totally bewildered.

"The _whole_ glass! All that was left was one last piece of toast. And I had to fight for it."

Marco patted Jukkas back.

"Absolutely nothing is safe in the house anymore. She is a black hole that swallows every last piece of food. She inhales it straight from the fridge. And the combinations are simply unholy." Jukka made a retching sound.

Tuomas padded into the seating area of the bus. "What's unholy?"

"Jukka is on the verge of starvation." Marco explained. 

"With a spoon! Who eats a whole glass of chocolate spread straight out of the glass with a spoon?! That's uncivilized. I swear, when I return she will be double her size and has moved to live in the kitchen."

Tuomas had scrunched his eyebrows. Emppu who sat in a corner and tried to build a house of beermats cleared his throat and grinned.

"It wasn't the whole glass", Tuomas said.

"No. But you had melted a package of skittles in it in the microwave. If you would have eaten all of it, I probably would have had to sedate you afterwards."

"Ugh.. that's disgusting." Marco said. "Even for you."

"You can melt skittles in the microwave? Really..? Can we do it?" Seths eyes were shining. Anette raised her hand warningly at Tuomas when he opened his mouth to respond. "No young man, we can not. And I mean both of you."

Tuomas shrugged his shoulders and shut it again. There was nothing as commanding as a woman in full-mothering-mode.

"You should have seen him. A hyperactive squirrel is nothing in comparison." Emppu laughed and balanced another beermat ontop of his construction. "He wrote a piece of music that afternoon.. it was simply humanly impossible to play."

"What about chocolate marshmallows?" Seth asked.

"This child will be at least 12 pounds. I don't want to be present at its birth. Satu will kill me.. I know it.." Jukka was apparently somewhere else.

"Don't shit your pants. It went in, it will come out. Period."

" _Marco!!!_ "

"What Nettie? It's the truth."

"They blow up and finally, they explode."

" _Tuomas!_ "

"They explode?" Jukka looked even more bewildered.

"Yes, they blow up until you see cracks in the crust and then they splatter all over the walls. It's an utter mess." Tuomas winked at Seth. "But it's such a fun." 

"Huh??? What the heck are you talking about?"

"Chocolate marshmallows of course.. what did you think I was talking about?"

"Oh.. oh..." Jukka chuckled. "Satu. I was temporarily really worried about your psychotic tendencies.. more than usual I mean."

Marco grunted and took a sip from his beer. "It won't be 12 pounds. No normal baby weighs 12 pounds. Unless it already has a drumset."

"Yes", Emppu threw in. "It has a drumset, wears a bandana and the first thing it does when it's born is acosting the nurse for a joint."

"Haha", Jukka said. "I am right, Satu _will_ kill me."

"How will you name it?" Anette asked and sat next to Emppu, Seth on her knees. Seth studied the beermat house critically.

"I don't know", Jukka said. "I like Manu if it's a boy. Satu isn't really excited about it. She says she had a chemistry teacher with that name who once ate a piece of soap in front of his class to prove it isn't toxic."

"It really isn't toxic", Tuomas said and Marco raised an eyebrow at him. "Seriously? With ketchup on top or what?"

"Of course with ketchup. Red foam at my mouth is far more dramatic when you deliver me into the nut house because of my ongoing tastebud massacres. You know there is nothing I love more than a good show." He looked over at Seth and Emppu who now both were piling beermats, took a sugar cube from the box at the table and let it vanish in his mouth. Emppu had stood up to better reach the top of their work. "Well, maybe one or two things."

"Marco is a nice name", Marco said after he had watched the building process for a while.

Jukka rolled his eyes. "Yes. For a giant nag with a voice like a foghorn who can burp 'Last Christmas'.. oh wait.."

Marco grinned. "You see?" 

"You burped Last Christmas?" Anette looked disgusted.

Jukka scrolled through his phone. "I have it here somewhere." Anette waved her hand. "No.. no, thanks. I don't need proof." 

"Sure? It's funny. It's been at a Christmas Party a few years ago. And for a change everybody wears pants."

"Boring." Emppu stated and stood on his seat to add another level to his beermat-house. Seth and Tuomas watched him fascinated. "Do we have anymore beermats?"

"Kitchen, second drawer on the left." Marco said and Seth darted out of the room and returned moments later with another stack of beermats.

"Carefully, very slowly and carefully.." Emppu lifted his hands to indicate no hectic movements. He took the mats Seth handed him over and connected the top level to the shelf at the wall.

"Satu likes Henri for a boy."

Anette nodded. "That's a good name."

"This is the record. I never made it before to level 15. This will go down in history. Give me more.." Emppu turned to Tuomas. "Hey Tuo, we're building Neuschwanstein Castle!"

Tuomas gave him a thumbs up and eyed the sugar box again until Anette took it out of his reach.

"You should choose a name suitable for a baby, a boy, a man, a construction worker, a lawyer and a roman emperor. Better be prepared." Marco said. "Marco really is a great name. It's simple but graceful and suits every occasion." 

"Why are you so obsessed to be the namesake of my children? And anyhow, if I name my children after a bandmate this honour belongs to Emppu."

A cluttering sound came from the corner, followed by a stream of curses. The beermat house had collapsed. Emppu stood at the table, two mats still in his hands and looked wide eyed at Jukka.

"What!?? Why? Don't do that to anyone. Erno is a terrible name."

"It's not." Tuomas said.

"Why? Because without you this discussion wouldn't take place at all. I wouldn't take place at all. But you're right." Jukka shook his head. "It's a terrible name. And I always hear Ewo angrily shouting it when I think of it. What's your full name?"

Emppu still held the mats up in the air. He looked touched. "Uh.. Erno Matti Juhani."

Jukka smiled at him and nodded. "Matti.. Matti sounds good to me."


	4. Nothing else matters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This got somehow out of hand but.. whatever. A rather long chapter. I told them to stop this deep shit and get into a little more action. At least Marco desperately wanted them to and refused to enter that 'fucking bus' again until.. well. Read for yourself. But they just wouldn't listen to me and started to dig out a hell of emotional baggage. Eventually - I had almost lost all hope and was pondering if Marco could take it on with the racoons at night outside - they finally, finally decided to have the fun I had wanted them to have in the first place. I guess it got far beyond that at some point - I wasn't invited all the way through. So enjoy what is left of this originally totally different planned chapter with - warning - a tiny little bit - classy of course - smut at the end.

"Sometimes Jukka really surprises me. He is way more profound than you would give him credit for. Occasionally. That was a really thoughtful and nice thing of him to do. I mean the naming of his son. Not the.. the other exemplary nonsense." Tuomas sat down next to Emmpu at the bench seat in the corner and pulled him at his side. Emppu leaned against him and chuckled.

After a while of back and forth of highly cynical bantering with his sugar-deprived bandleader, Marco had ended their last argument with the statement, that someone very obviously needed to get properly laid. The whole thing had climaxed when Tuomas had dryly asked in return, if Marco was subtly offering his assistance and Jukka had stood up at his seat with an outcry, had pulled out a drumstick and solemnly declared to fight Tuomas for his prior claim to the hairy viking virgin. Before anybody could get killed by looks, Marcos fists or drumset accessory, Anette had intervened, had hastily covered poor Seths' ears and vocally reprimanded all of them until they looked like school boys. Emppu had spent that time collapsed in a laughing fit at the table on top of his beermats and had laughed his ass off until the tears were running down his face and he couldn't breath anymore. He still chuckled from time to time apparently out of nothing.

As soon as they had arrived at their destination for the day two hours later, Marco had grumbled it was 'beer restocking time' again and had shooed everybody else out of the bus. Not without throwing a death glare at Tuomas and a piercing warning look at Emppu that held a message like 'fuck this up and I'll have your ass the other way' in illuminated angry red letters above his head. Emppu had just hold his hands up in surrender because he threatened to burst out into laugther again if he had only but opened his mouth.

"It's partly a show, he thoroughly enjoys to drive Marco up the wall", he said now with a grin. "Just as you. Gosh, I love your wits. And I love Jukkas dumbassery and I love Marcos grumpiness. I even love Anette when she stands in between all of you and doesn't know anymore what's the thing she had wanted to know the least. I just love all of you silly weird idiots. You are my life." Emppu chuckled again. "Anyhow, I am really very touched." Emppu put his head at Tuomas shoulder closed his eyes and sighed. "I am so very happy right now. I have everything I've ever dreamed of. I do what I love for a living, I travel around the world, I have a wonderful crazy bunch of friends who are my family and I have you." He sat up again and smiled at Tuomas. "I never thought I could be that lucky." He kissed him. "I never thought on top of all of that, that I could have you."

He took Tuomas' hand and entwined their fingers while he tried to remember how he could have ever lived without him. "You know", he said, "I've always thought I was going to love you from afar for all my life. Watch you marry, have a family and stuff. A wooden red house with a white door at the outskirts of Kitee. You writing music in your study at the piano with a lovely wife who cares for you and three children tolling around with the collie in the garden around the big pine tree."

Tuomas scrunched his brows and looked down at him. "You've thought a lot about that, haven't you?"

Emppu smiled absentmindely. "That house exists. It's the one I've always wanted." He picked at a button of his black shirt.

"But I don't live there. I am just the funny uncle who is on his own in his bachelor's den. The one who visits this perfect world once in a while, compliments the beauty of the lady of the house with a flirty smile, plays with the children, stays for dinner and kisses everybody good bye afterwards to return to his supposedly wild indulgent life style. Everybody but the only person that I would really have wanted to kiss."

"Wow. You _really_ have thought a lot about that."

"Countless nights for many years."

Tuomas squeezed his hand.

"I would have ended that way. Always at your side and never with you. Maybe eventually in the arms of some other interchangeable men every other night to numb myself. Not lonely but all alone."

"One night butterfly."

"Yes." Emppu whispered. "Anette once called me a sad clown. I really was."

"Didn't you ever think you could have this family on your own?"

Emppu shook his head. "No.. I mean.. I don't know. Maybe when I was very young. When I still thought my life would take place just as my fathers'. When there wasn't anything else thinkable. But later.. no. I.. don't feel attracted to women at all. It wasn't an option."

"You said you never kissed a man before me."

"I haven't."

"And that.. that guy from the coffee shop you told me of..?"

"I managed to kiss him before I chicked out, but that was afterwards."

"And you never.. had something with a girl..?"

Emppu raised a brow at Tuomas. "Is that an interrogation?"

Tuomas looked down at their entwined hands. "I've never been in a relationship before. I wasn't able to. I think you know that. I am just trying to get even."

"You.. want to know if I've been a virgin?"

Tuomas adoringly blushed a little. "Kind of."

"Technically? I wish it wasn't so but - no. I am sorry."

For a while none of them said anything while Emppu struggled with himself. This wasn't a story he was particulary proud of. Eventually he gave his heart a jerk.

"Do you remember Emilia?"

"From our last school year?"

"Hmm. She hit on me at Tarjas birthday party. I mean _really_ hit on me. She kissed me, wanted me to touch her and dragged me outside. She obviously had set her mind that night onto having me and I thought 'what the heck, time to get it over'. Well. It's been really awkward."

"You slept with Emilia at that party?"

"It was an absolutely strange experience. I think I wanted to prove myself something back then. I was so rattled and afraid of.. of myself I think. Of some things I thought and felt, of the hormonal mess I was. Of my father. Of anybody who could find out. Of life in general. I craved nothing more than normality." Emppu sighed. "We disappeared into the barn. It was even kind of romantic, the moon, the night, the way she looked at me. She had wonderful blue eyes. When we returned, hand in hand you sat with Tarja at the porch and told her about the constellations in the sky. Tarja made a stupid joke about the straw in our clothes and you just smiled at me. Bright and vibrant like always when you're enthusiastic about something. You looked so at ease and happy. The faint music from inside, countless stars above you - and her in your lap. It hit me like a train. The reason why I liked Emilias eyes so much. The shame when I realised what I really had wished for. The fear anyone could read it straight from my face."

"Metallica, ' _Nothing else matters_ '", Tuomas mumbled. "I remember that. You said you felt sick and went home."

"' _So close no matter how far_ '. The irony in that situation almost killed me." Emppu snorted. "Oh I felt sick. Sick of myself." He sighed. "You know.. Emilia really liked me.. wanted to be my girlfriend. It's been the first time for her as well and she really didn't deserve what I did to her. I feel like a swine until today for taking that from her."

Emppu looked at Tuomas with an regretful expression. "I am afraid I am not that much better than all those men you loathed so much back then. The ones who take all innocence from a young girls body and mind and dump her unceremoniously when they're done with her."

Tuomas watched him quietly. "You know what I think about the condemntion of adulthood. You have this thing inside of you that destroys everything if you cannot control it. It's in all of us. At least.. at least she wanted you."

He briefly closed his eyes and pressed his lips into a thin line.

"I on the other hand.. I.. I almost forced myself on Nettie."

Emppu thought he hadn't heard right. "You did _what?_ "

"The night after our horrible argument. I was drugged beyond reason, the adrenaline of the gig.. I kissed her."

"Yes.. you told that. I wouldn't call that forcing yourself on her."

Tuomas swallowed hard. "That wasn't the only thing I did. She pushed me away after that kiss, said I wouldn't really want her. But believe me, I very clearly did. It felt almost primal. And I left her in no doubt of that. I let her feel my erection.. when I had her body pressed against me, her warmth, her scent.. I nearly lost it. I was that close to take her right there and then, if she had wanted or not. I didn't care. I somehow watched me thinking that and it scared me to death. Luckily that brought me back to my senses." He dragged his hand over his face.

This part surely had been left out when they all had cleared out the misunderstandings that had troubled their relationship. It hurt. Not just the contents of that confession, but the fact Anette and Tuomas had hidden that from Emppu in silent agreement. He understood a little why, out of shame, out of tact - but still.

"Nettie is an angel", Tuomas said - what didn't really help the case when it came to Emppus feelings. "She says, she holds nothing against me, but.. I will never forgive myself for that. I neither deserve her forgiveness, nor her friendship. I am very grateful she not just packed it all in and left the band after that."

Emppu stared at him, totally aghast. He didn't know what to think of all of that. Or how to react. He thought he had been over this shit, but obviously he wasn't. It felt somehow unreal.

"You see," Tuomas went on, "Deep down I am even worse than these men I've sworn I'd never become alike. Worse than all of them together. Ironicly hypocratic, isn't it? For Gods sake, I considered to intentionally _hurt_ her! And I cannot make any excuses and say I wouldn't have been myself. I know, I was perfectly myself at that moment. Every dark thing that lives somewhere inside of me. I hadn't lost me. All I had lost was control."

Emppu tried to understand everything Tuomas told him. His voice trembled almost as much as his hands. He took them again in his and remembered the hangover morning he had surrendered to the fear, that he could never offer everything to Tuomas he desired. And how Marco had declared all his worries to be totally ridiculous and invalid. What had he known after all. Everything seemed to be in a kind of fog.

"You wanted to know the beast. All of it." Tuomas voice was barely audible anymore. He had hidden behind his hair and clenched to Emppus hands to keep his own steady. Emppu couldn't look away from the ring on his finger. He knew he should offer words of comfort and a shoulder to lean on. But all he could think of was his own insufficiency again and that helplessness and desperation that came with it.

"Do you think of her when I touch you?" He eventually managed to get out and his inner turmoil into a halfway comprehensible sentence.

Tuomas flinched visibly at that. "What?"

"When I.. do you feel any attraction to me at all? Physically?"

"Oh Emppu.." he leant down and kissed him deeply. "I think of you, I dream of you and I want you. With my heart, my soul and my body." He kissed him again. "You are everything to me."

"But you fantasize about her.. in some dark forbidden place somewhere inside here", Emppu tipped at Tuomas' forehead. "The place I don't belong. And you have her.. when you write for her, when she sings for you. Here." He tipped once again at his head. "Somehow I have known since you started to metaphorize her in your lyrics. I have feared this moment ever since."

"Emppu.." Tuomas looked pained. "Please, don't hold anything that goes on there against me. It's not real.. it's never been real. You are. I told you. You are strong and real and undestructable and you keep me on this side. That's why I've always kept you outside. You keep me here. You keep me up. You keep me sane. Things in there are screwed."

Tuomas let go of his hands and reached out to caress Emmpus face, his brow, drew a line down to his lips. 

"I promise to you, I will not act on this.. whims. I promise to you by everything that means something to me. I will not touch her again. And whatever my unconcious mind comes up with when I am lost inside of my head.. when I am with you I am here. Don't ever think I am pretending you to be someone else." He leaned down to kiss him again. "I love your mouth.. please.." Tuomas started to open the buttons of Emppus shirt.

"Kiss me.. kiss the hell out of me."

Emppu took his head in his hands and kissed him back with all he had. They kissed until every fear and doubt had disappeared. Kissed until they both were panting. Kissed until nothing else mattered but their breath in each others mouth that kept them alive. Tuomas leant his head at Emppus', pushed his shirt off his shoulders and put his hands on his chest, seemed to marvel in its touch.

"And I love your skin, it's absolutely flawless..", he whispered. "And your stomach.. I am really jealous about that you know.." He pushed him down onto the seat and started to leave a trail of open mouthed, hot kisses along his collarbone, over his chest down to the taut target of his admiration.

"Less sugar, more real food", Emppu commented and cursed when he hit his hip at the table as Tuomas snorted forcefully into his navel. Tuomas rested his head on his folded arms on top of Emppus crotch and smiled smugly up to him.

"I actually tried that once, didn't work."

"The worst three hours of your life?"

Tuomas pursed his lips but didn't take the banter. "Want me to continue?" He asked instead and gripped Emppus hips, pressed a kiss on the soft skin next to the bone.

Emppu looked warily at him. "The snorting?"

Tuomas studied him for a while, his smile slowly fading. Then he sighed and crawled up again until their noses were touching. He pushed his knee between Emppus legs and watched him closely. "No not the snorting - even if you deserve it. You think I am offering services out of duty again, don't you? A sacrifice to appease you?"

"That thought might have crossed my mind", Emppu admitted.

Tuomas took Emppus hand and pressed it to the front of his pants. "As someone put it so nicely: that is what seeing you like this is doing to me." He whispered into Emppus ear and nibbled down his neck. "Please.. let me see you. Let me have you this way - at my mercy." He pushed into Emppus hand and against his leg. "And because that will drive me absolutely insane I want to have you another time afterwards, still at my mercy, but for my pleasure."

"You want to.. " Emppu stared open mouthed at Tuomas above him. This was probably one of his fucked up dreams he regulary awoke from with an almost painful hard-on. He was tempted to pinch himself but luckily refrained from it as he remembered where his hand currently was placed. Tuomas took his startled face obviously the complete wrong way.

"Don't you.. I mean only if you want this." He suddenly looked insecure.

"Are you joking???" Emppu animatedly gripped his shirt and pulled him forcefully down."Make me scream your name until Jukka and Marco blush like a maiden when they meet you next time." He wrapped his legs around him and pulled Tuomas against his not insignificantly thrilled lower bodyparts. He kissed him passionately and unintentionally moaned when he felt him moving his hips against him. If this was in fact a dream, Emppu hoped not to awake anytime soon. Or at all.

Tuomas chuckled into his mouth and shifted his weight a little to push his hand down Emppus body between them. He one-handedly opened his jeans with that skilled fingers and slid them inside.

"Oh.. my God. Tuo.." Emppu felt lightheaded as other hilarious ideas about how to shame their bandmates drifted through what was left of his conscious mind. This seemed to be a default reaction for him in these kind of situations that required most of his blood supplies somewhere else.

"I am blessed.." he chuckled in between the gasps Tuomas managed to draw out of him.

"If you don't stop laughing I am going to take that personal", Tuomas said while he crawled down. What else he said didn't reach Emppus brain but what he did definetly stopped his laughter because it was really hard to laugh when you pant for breath and try to keep your hips steady.

Tuomas contentedly hummed at that and Emppu saw stars. 

" _Oh. My. GOD! .._ a devils' mind, a quick tounge and the hands of a pianist." He whimpered. "I am truely, truely blessed." 


	5. Yuck!

"I will not eat from this table."

Anette raised a brow at Marco. "Why?"

He looked warily down at said piece of furniture where usually breakfast happened. But not today, at least not for him.

"Good morning", Emppu yawned and took a bowl and muesli from the shelf as he passed it and let himself fall onto the bench. It was his regular spot. He looked down at the empty table. "Where is the milk?"

"In the fridge."

"Why?"

"Where is your better half?"

"Still sleeping in his bunk."

"Since when?"

"Uh.. dunno.. midnight?"

"And before that?"

"Uhh.." Emppus eyes flickered briefly to the tabletop. Very, very briefly, but not briefly enough.

Marco made a retching sound.

"Oh my God I've been right."

Anette glanced down at the table as well. Then back at Emppu. It was very obvious how hard she tried not to visualize the events of the last night. It was also very obvious how hard she failed.

"Come on, don't be silly." Emppu got up, fetched the cloth from the sink and wiped the table.

"Satisfied?"

"That's disgusting."

"What, shall I disinfect the whole bus?"

Marco flinched off the cupboard he leant against. 

"What?!? Where else?!??"

"Morning", Jukka shuffled to the sink and put his head against the cabinet above it. For half a minute it seemed he had fallen asleep again. Then he shook his head. "Gosh, I slept badly. Had some crazy dreams."

"Sure they were dreams?" Marco grunted and stared at Emppu.

Jukka turned, his head still at the cabinet, to look at him. "Unless you tell me we have a new bandmember that is a penguin - yes."

"What?"

"I said it's been crazy. I mean.. what an instrument plays a penguin? I complained to Tuomas about it but he looked at me, patted my shoulder and said" - he lowered his voice - "' _we should be prepared_ '. Then he secretly slipped me a stack of beermats." He paused. "I really should stop smoking this shit." He took a slice of bread and the glass that apparently held his essence of life - if the way he affectionately looked at it meant anything.

"Ah.. come to me.. my creamy chocolate dream.. all mine. I will devour you right here on this tab.."

" _NO!!_ "

Jukka flinched and the open glass almost fell from his hands.

"I mean.. take a plate.. please."

"Alright, alright.. sorry. Since when are you such a clean freak?"

"I am not a clean freak.. It's just.. " Marco nodded his head towards Emppu and then at the table. Jukka only blinked at him. Marco groaned, made an obscene gesture and pointed again at the table.

Emppu had his arms crossed and watched him flatly.

"I am seeing you, you know? You may as well say it out loud."

Jukkas face brightened up and he beamed at Emppu. "What!? Are we talking about your highly eloquent and vocal vows of eternal carnal submission? Right here on this table, really???" He looked almost reverently down at it.

Emppu rolled his eyes. Marco looked rather sick.

"Was that before ' _Oh my fucking God Tuo, YES!!!_ ' or afterwards?"

"During."

"Wicked." Jukka nodded approvingly, sat down in front of Emppu and put his bread at the table. Then he started to pile his chocolate spread on top as usual. Marco watched him bewildered.

Eventually Jukka took a bite and looked through the bus. "Well", he chewed, "it's quite confined in here. There are limited possibilities. The bunks are quite small."

"The bunks are hell", Emppu confirmed . "I've been green and blue for days because I hit myself just about everywhere."

"The floor is alright", Jukka said. "A little hard but with a few pillows - no problem."

"Whose pillows????" Marco started to look really disturbed.

"Take it easy, that's been years ago. Satu wasn't that thrilled anyways about this vehicle."

Emppu sighed. "Come on Marco, we're living since years together in this thing. Every time you sit down at the toilet you have contact to something probably far worse than this. Don't make such a fuss."

Jukka grinned. "Have you ever thought about, that every time you sit down at the toilet you connect yourself to the world wide web of asses?"

Marco looked at him as if he had grown a second head. Emppu often thought he probably could make use of one.

"Good morning." Tuomas entered the sitting area and made a beeline for the coffee pot. "You slept well?"

" _Oh my fucking God Tuo, YES!!!_ " Jukka shouted and his grin broadened as Tuomas smiled slightly at him and blushed. He filled his mug with the hot black liquid.

"No.." Jukka sighed. "That's actually not right. Couldn't really sleep." He looked Tuomas up and down. "I didn't think you have it in you, but if you ever decide to dump the hobbit, I am thoroughly interested in some of these doubtlessly mindblowing experiences you're able to offer."

Tuomas snorted coffee through his nose and Emppu fell his spoon into his bowl. Tuomas turned a deep shade of red. The thing with the 'blushing like a maiden' had evidently backfired exceptionally.

"You.. what the heck, _Jukka!!!_ " Emppu stared at him open mouthed. He felt tempted to slam Jukkas face straight into his chocolate-dream-sandwich.

"Oh hell, it's worse in here, than in a brothel", Marco stated. "I am out." He looked done.

"I like brothel", Seth proclaimed and slurped his cocoa. "With chicken." Marco firstly recognized his presence and only stared at him.

"You mean broth, sweetheart", Anette said. "It's broth. Go out and put away your toys, okay? We want to leave soon." She smiled after him as he jumped off his seat and left the bus.

Jukka shrugged his shoulders again and extensively studied Tuomas' interesting facecolor.

"Heterosexuality is overrated. And Satu wouldn't mind, believe me. She might even enjoy the show."

"Jukka, _please_!" Marco sounded kind of desperate. "There is still a lady present!"

Jukka glanced at Anette who held her hands up. "I am with Satu, I don't know what he is talking about." Tuomas uneasily eyed her with a strange look from behind his mug and she laughed quietly. 

Marco was obviously considering suicide at this point. Emppu in any case was definetly considering murder.

"Whatever", Jukka said. He turned to Tuomas again. "Do you have thought about penguins lately?"

"What?" Tuomas looked thoroughly shaken. "Is that a loaded question?"

"If you want it in the band you tell me: what instruments can a penguin play with these fins?"

Tuomas didn't bother to count sugar cubes, he just poured them from the box into his mug as he seemingly gave up trying to follow Jukkas thought processes.

"Drums at the most", he said after a while. He stirred his coffee with an absentmided look. Emppu feared this whole conversation had left a mark he would have to deal with later. He glared at Jukka. But Jukka apparently was completely imune to Emppus vibes.

"Oh no, I am not easily replaced by an aquatic animal. Playing the drums is an art."

"Dunno. Have you watched Madagascar, Private?" The conversation had taken a turn to topics Marco felt more confident about. Like dissing his favourite drummer.

"Alright, 1:0 for you." Jukka laughed out loud. He started to tilt his chair backwards until only two legs remained at the ground. Then he steadied himself at Tuomas' shoulder who watched his hand on him cautiously. "Come on, you know me." Jukka grinned up at him and winked.

"No hard feelings."


	6. Checkmate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jukka is about to turn Emppus world upside down. Who would have known he had it in him? Enjoy.

"I am sorry, I guess I offended you. Sometimes I just hear myself talking."

Emppu had his eyes on the chessboard in front of him, his head in his hands. "It's alright. I had enough time to calm down, I know you didn't really mean it."

Jukka weighed his head. "No, not all of it at least."

Emppu glanced warily at him. "Maybe you should stop talking before you hear yourself again."

Jukka chuckled. "Probably."

You could say what you wanted about Jukkas strange behaviours and stupid ideas, but he was by far the best chess player Emppu had ever met. The human brain was a fickle thing. He moved his knight back and watched his opponent who chewed his lower lip. After a few minutes he sighed. 

"Okay, what part of it did you actually mean? The hobbit?"

"Hmm?" Jukka looked up. "Ah. No. I mean - yes you're short, but I know you hate it to be called that way. I am sorry." He fell silent and stared at the board again.

Emppu tried to remember the exact words that had left his cheeky mouth this morning. "Then what?"

"Jukka took his queen. "Come on Emppu, let's put that to rest."

"No, you started it, now out with it. Otherwise I am brooding about this and that's unfair game."

"I am going to beat you anyways. Six moves at the most."

Emppu looked down at the board. "Maybe. And now out with it. I promise, I am not going to eat you."

Jukka looked at him and leaned back. "Alright. I would like to have your precious Tuo taking care of me for once. Satisfied?"

Emppu blinked at him.

Jukka shrugged his shoulders. "You wanted to know. Don't panic. That's just a mere sexual fantasy. He is far too fragile for my taste. Attractive - but fragile."

Emppu blinked again.

Jukka put his queen back at the board. "Check."

Emppu looked down at it, then back at Jukka. "But.. you have a pregnant wife at home."

"Yes."

"That's your child, isn't it?"

"Yes. What's your point?"

Emppu scratched his head. He wasn't quite sure what exactly his point was. He felt completely flabbergasted and the most suitable question that expressed his thoughts adequately seemed to be a 'huh?'

"All these silly suggestive jokes you always make.. I thought that were just.. jokes."

"Of course they're jokes."

"You're not into Marco, aren't you?"

Jukka grinned. "He is surely more my cup of tea.. or rather bottle of beer", he chuckled. "But he is straight as a post. No, we're just friends who fuck with each other in a less literal sense of the word."

"Does he know?"

"No idea." He nodded towards the board. "It's your turn."

Emppu blinked at the board. He couldn't really concentrate.

"But.."

Jukka watched him again with a raised brow. "Yes?"

"Do you.. have affairs?"

"Is that an offer?"

"What? No!"

"You're not my type as well." Jukka grinned again. "Too hairy feet."

Emppu slowly moved a pawn between his king and Jukkas queen and glared at him.

"Yes, I have affairs, now and then", Jukka said.

"You have a pregnant wife and you have affairs?"

"Well, she has as well, so it's only fair, isn't it?"

"Satu sleeps around with other men?" Emppu asked in pure disbelief. He felt like in the wrong movie. This conversation was going to be on his toplist of the most mindbuggeling revelations in his life so far. 

Jukka tipped his chin and pondered his next move. "Don't be ridiculous, of course not. With other women." 

The pen Emppu had played around with clattered to the ground. "Sorry", he mumbled and bent down to pick it up again.

"That shocked?"

"I guess my raising in a 'reputable christian family' rubbed off on me more than I thought." Emppu tried to imagine his fathers' face if he had witnessed this talk. He'd probably would be exorcising Jukka by now and burn the seating covers afterwards. Emppu snorted. 

"Aren't you jealous?" He finally asked. He couldn't wrap his mind around that situation.

"Of what? Breasts and soft thighs?" Jukka studied him closely. "This is about Tuomas, isn't it?"

Emppu didn't answer. He had no idea what the answer was. He wasn't even quite sure if he understood the question. "Yes", Jukka said and leaned back again. He twirled Emppus second knight between his index and middlefinger. It hadn't survived the first ten minutes of the game. "I think it is." The chess board stood temporarily forgotten between them. 

"Why should I be jealous of something, I am not an alternative to? You cannot compare apples to pears. Believe me, I know what I am talking about. I love both."

He studied the knight in his hands before he looked back at Emppu.

"It hurts you to see him looking at something you have not to offer? What hurts more, your failure to meet his needs or the guilt watching him denying it himself for you? Is that love? Trust? I am always reminded of hardcore catholizism. 'Deny yourself and you will be loved.' Who am I when I am loved? Myself? Do I want to be myself or do I want love? Why would love force me to choose? Is that even love? Whatever. This is getting philosophical. Think for yourself."

Emppu stared at him. Tuomas had been absolutely right. Jukka very obviously was far more profound than he pretended to be. Emppu was going to reverse just about everything he had ever thought about his supposedly shallowness.

Jukka leaned forward, put his elbows at the table and pointed the knight at Emppu. "He looks at some breasts and you feel insufficient. Terrible feeling, isn't it? You're helpless, you cannot do anything about it because you're totally and naturally lacking those. So you ban his looks. For what? For you to feel better? Your delusion it wouldn't be true? Where do we go from here? And now comes the wonderful thing: you're not helpless about that because it's your choice. Do you keep your love in its selfish prison or do you want to set it free to let it become more than you ever thought it could be? He loves you for who you are. Would it matter if he loved someone else for what you're not? What would you lose? Nothing. What would you gain? Freedom. Peace. Happiness." He poked the knight into Emppus chest. "That's what I call a deal." 

"Are you not afraid of losing her to someone else?"

Jukka looked at the knight in his hands again.

"We're losing people every day. To death. To life. To circumstances. Life is short Emppu, way too short. I almost threw it away once and I've wasted too much of it before I really came to appreciate it. I am not going to spend the time I have left, the time I am allowed to share with the ones I love with distrust, self-doubt, restrictions and futile. You shouldn't as well. Love is a gift. But fear is a choice. "

He looked down at the board again and Emppu followed his gaze to his king that was inevitably awaiting his execution.

"And fear is all you can lose. As far as I see it, that's a win-win situation."

Jukka took his bishop, moved it all across the board and knocked over the pawn that had guarded Emppus king against his queen.

"Checkmate."


	7. Common grounds

After that strange gaming session Emppu ran a few days around with his head somewhere in the clouds. Especially the part when Jukka had questioned the definition of love troubled him immensly. He remembered a story of his childhood where a little beautiful bird was caged by a man who wanted to look at it and hear its singing every day. He never let it out in fear, it wouldn't return. And the bird got sick and its feathers turned dull. It didn't sing anymore. With a heavy heart the man set the bird free knowing, he would never see it again. But one day he heard the beautiful singing again and when he looked at the tree in front of his house, there sat the little bird and it was bright and colorful again and it sang louder and more vibrant than ever before. When it was done singing, it flew away into the forest. But it returned every day for as long as it lived. This story had been a favourite of his grandmother and she had told it many times to him. Emppu couldn't get it out of his head. It seemed to be a very suitable parable for love.

He knew he felt possessive. His seemingly uncontainable anger towards Anette and Jukka were proof enough. It seemed absolutely hilarious if he tried to look at it from this new perspective. He thought of how Tuomas had promised to him for all that he was worth not to betray him. How he had begged for his trust. Desperate. Afraid of losing him. In pain because he knew he had _thought_ something, that had hurt Emppu. Because he loved him with all his heart. Emppu suddenly felt very sick. _Why would love want me to chose? Think for yourself._

Emppu buried his head in his hands. There was only one answer. And it had little to do with love and trust and absolutely everything with selfishness. _I am just selfish, that's all._ He had said those words once to Tuomas and he hadn't believed him. It hadn't really been a joke, but it occured to Emppu he hadn't known how much that had really been the truth.

"Is everything alright?"

Anette had entered the bus. Originally she had accompanied the others to the little beach that wasn't far away from their current location. Emppu hadn't wanted to join them. Beach volleyball wasn't really his thing and he didn't feel social anyways. 

"I forgot my sunscreen", she explained and studied his face. "You're acting a little unusual the last days, you're so quiet. You're not getting ill again, aren't you?"

"No.. no, everything is alright. I.. am just thinking about something."

"Since days? Must be grave." She paused and watched him closely. "It's not about Tuomas, isn't it? You don't have problems?"

Emppu shrugged his shoulders. "No. Yes. Kind of." He sighed. "No. It's me."

He looked down at his hands. "I.. I've been unfair to you. I am sorry about that. In fact I am really grateful Tuomas had you when I.. whatever, that's neither here nor there.. I've been torn apart by jealousy and I wasn't willing nor able to look beyond of that."

"I know that Emppu. You don't have to apologize."

Emppu looked up into her face. 

"I still see how you look at him."

"Emppu.."

"No, don't say anything, just hear me out. I see the look in your face and let me tell you, I know that look. I've seen it in the mirror every day for many hope- and endless years. I've wished with all my heart for him to love me the way I loved him. But I would have given up on that for the rest of my life if it would have meant his happiness. In the end I desperatly watched his misery and I would have done anything to save him from it. It almost killed me to see him like that every day.

So many things have changed since then. But something will never change: I still would give all my happiness for his. And it isn't right to take offense just because you might feel the same. I don't want that to stand between us and I don't want that to stand between you and Tuo. He cares for you very much and he needs your friendship."

Emppu took a deep breath.

"You know, when he is deeply troubled by something he seems doing downward spirals to some very dark place deep inside of his mind, with his twisted obsessions and thoughts as only company. It's terribly abusive. If he doesn't get anything out, his self-destructive tendencies worsen immensly. Then he needs help."

Anette put her hand on his shoulder. "You're doing a good job."

"Thank you." Emppu smiled up at her. "You too. I hadn't seen it like that until Marco told me that it 'would be a blessing' that Tuomas had you to go to. I didn't agree then. I didn't agree later. But I thought a lot the last days and I think he is right. I don't know what would have happened that night if you hadn't been there. But I know if he would have overdosed with something or cut his wrists, accidentally or not, I would have never forgiven myself. Never. Thank you." 

Anette squeezed his shoulder. "Obsession and addiction really is a massive part of his nature, isn't it?"

"Oh my God, yes. When he is really into something it's almost impossible to reason with him. He's highly intelligent but when he is really preoccupied, you just cannot get to him with logical arguments. It's really a double edged sword. I mean, I enjoy watching him going all nuts about science stuff, a new book or a movie.."

Emppu scrunched his brows.

"Well maybe not 'The village'. There has been a time when he watched that damned thing every day, sometimes more than once. That was hell. Never mention it to him, please. I am not keen on another loop of that experience."

Emppu sighed. "But yeah, as I said. Some wonderful things come out of that. But also some of the absolutely worst."

"It surely gave you lots of beautiful songs."

"Hmm. Some of them are haunting me until today. When I asked him once how he manages to capture these emotion in his music he said to me ' _the best melodies and poetry can be born only out of the deepest of despairs'_. Since then I am somehow dreading every next song in advance. Or secretly hoping it to be completely lousy."

"And they're never lousy."

"Unfortunately not."

Anette shook her head.

"I don't know.. I think it's all the passion and depth of his feelings he puts into it. It doesn't necessarily have to be pain. I am absolutely convinced he could write just about everything when his heart is into it. You know these small colored chewing things Ewo has in his office? If he could capture the way he looks at these in a candy advertisement, I am sure the manufacturer would be set for a lifetime."

Emppu laughed. "No question. You should suggest that to him. He always wanted to write a movie score, why not start there?"

Anette smiled at him.

"What?"

"I've missed this. When have we've been talking like this the last time? I cannot remember."

"Hmm. Must have been after the Amaranth video takes. Marco tried to set a new 'burps per minute' record as he drank away Jukkas descriptions of 'the tree thing' and you held a monologue about 'bloody long hairs' that clogged up the shower of our rehearsal room. No one really listened."

"You did."

"Well, I tried to occupy my mind with banalities to keep me from thinking about very creative ideas how to get away with murder of this fucking stylist."

Anette giggled. "And I thought it was only me. Poor Tuomas."

"Yeah.. one option definetly featured this powder puff he constantly molested him with."

Anettes smile widened to a grin. "I am shocked. But somehow intrigued. You absolutely have to tell me everything about that."

* * *

"You know Marco totally thought we had an affair back when we recorded the album?" Emppu said when they were putting their things together after the gig that evening. "He saw you taking.. what was it.. 'lacy things' out of my guitar case and confronted me."

"Hahaha.. really? Wow." Anette giggled and looked over to Marco who untangled the two braids of his beard. "Shall I conspicuously inconspicuously put some bright red teasing underwear in there?"

"Oh yes, please. And some BDSM stuff. Just to see his face."

They both laughed.

"No.. rather not." Emppu looked down at his guitar case and the photo that pinned in its lid, then back at Anette with a now serious expression. "I know I've told you not to touch my things ever again after our.. fight.. but.. I take that back."

He stretched his hand out. "Friends?"

Anette smiled brightly and pulled him in a hug. "That isn't really a question, isn't it? Thank you Emppu. I've missed you.""

"Just be careful please", he mumbled and hugged her back.

"Um.. of course", she looked puzzled at him. "Did I break a clasp or something?"

"A clasp..? No.. no, quite the opposite.. I mean you.. I am just very.. I am.." He made a strange noise and grimaced.

"Sorry, I have no idea what I mean. Forget it. Just let's get out of here and have a drink or something. I pay for it."


	8. Argentina

Tarja chuckled. "Yes.. yes.. I am pregnant. Very obviously pregnant." It had become November again and their next to last South America gig happened to be in Buenos Aires - Argentina. Tuomas had been keen to manage a meeting with Tarja on that opportunity and here they were. Now he stood and looked warily at her, obviously unsure what to say. 

"You have to forgive him", Marco laughed. "He is still traumatized by when he asked you the last time. I cannot blame him, you drenched him in icewater for that. But wow, that was unexpected.. you're far along, aren't you? When will it be born?" 

Tarja moaned. "This afternoon if I have a say in that. Gosh, my back is killing me", she rubbed her back.

Anette watched her with sympathy "Uh, I remember that. I wish I could say it gets better, but.. how long have you left?"

"4-5 weeks.. I am going to fly to Finland to spend the rest there next Sunday. Mom is absolutely bananas." She looked around. "Where are Jukka and Emppu?"

"They volunteered to clean out the bus", Marco grinned. "Again."

Tarja raised a brow at him. "Volunteered?"

"More or less."

"I'd be careful. Some day you will find a dead rat in your bunk."

"Probably Jukka already hoards a few", Anette said. "That would actually explain the smell."

"Well, that problem will hopefully be resolved by the time we return." Marco rubbed his hands. 

"I have to say, as much a I get nostalgic sometimes, I'm never going to miss these bus-dramas on tour.. _ouch_!" Tarja stopped, inhaled sharply and grasped Tuomas' arm who flinched. 

"Holy mother of God, you've got a grip!"

She looked pale. "Sorry.. Oh my, that's been a rib."

Anette smiled at her. "I actually don't mind all this argy-bargy. And as much as I get nostalgic when I see you like this, that kicking is definely something I am not missing. So maybe we made a good deal."

Tarja laughed and released Tuomas who rubbed his forearm.

"We could switch back later when you're in for round two. Being each others' pregnancy substitute."

Tuomas followed their conversation irritated. "Hey, I have a say in that as well!"

Tarja raised a brow at him. "Do you?"

Anette grinned. "Don't listen to him. Sounds good to me, Seth always wanted a little brother." Then she shook her head and sighed. "But that won't happen."

"Ah, come on. You're still young, you've got time."

Anette shook her head again. "No.. there went absolutely everything wrong at Seths' birth that could have gone wrong. It's been.. they say it would be a miracle if I would ever fall pregnant again.. whatever.." She swallowed hard and took Tarjas hand. Tuomas watched her silently.

"Sorry, I didn't want to frighten you. The chance that something like that happens is one in a million. You will do fine. And believe me, in the end when you haven't properly slept for days and don't know how to sit, lay or stand anymore, you wouldn't even care if it would eat itself out through your stomach."

Tuomas looked rather disturbed now. Marco who had kept himself out of the woman stuff with the look of a married man who knew when he better tried to become invisible, grinned.

"Hahaha.. you mean like in 'Alien'?"

"Exactly."

"I hope it's a little more handsome."

"Of course it will be." Anette said. "Look at the mother."

"Yeah, but look at the father."

"Marco!" Tuomas reprimanded him.

"Sorry, you're right. And anyways, with a mother like that the father could be a freaking orc."

" _Marco!!!_ "

"What?"

"Will you ever get over it?" Tuomas asked.

Marco thought back at the marriage ceremony the whole band had attended and grumbled something into his beard. He very obviously considered the orc to be a better, if not the best alternative to Marcelo. Depending on how much time he just had spent with Tuomas in a witty mood.

"No, I won't. Yes, you told me it's never been ' _that way_ '", he airquoted the words and it was evident, what he thought about that. "But you're my eternal ultimate weapon when it comes to rail that bastard up."

Tarja watched him and looked kind of resignated.

"Marco, please."

"Sorry Tarja. I respect you and your life choices, but I will never be even with Marcelo."

Tarja sighed then she turned to Tuomas again.

"I am very glad you called me last week. I actually wanted to discuss something with you and I didn't want to do it over the phone. I had already speculated to get to see you at your gig here."

"Discuss? If this is about the contracts.. I am the wrong man. You have to talk to Ewo about that."

Tarja shook her head. "No, no.. it's.. a more.. private matter.. I.. Tuo, what would you say if I tell you I want you as godfather..?"

Tuomas stared at her. "You what?"

"I said, I want you to become godfather of my daughter."

For a while nobody said anything. Anette beamed at Tarja. Marco started to grin. Tuomas just looked absolutely flabbergasted.

"Why?" He eventually said.

"Do it." Marco grabbed his shoulder.

"Tarja.." Tuomas shook his head. "Just about everybody else would be a better choice than me.."

"I beg you, do it." Marco looked hyped now. "I'll do everything you want. And I mean everything." He got on a knee in front of Tuomas and took his hand. Anette raised a brow at him before she started to grin and got her phone out of her pocket.

Tuomas watched him irritated.

"I cannot.. what the heck??" He yanked his hand back.

"Tarja.. you know me.. I shouldn't have the responsibility for a child."

"Come on Tuo, it's not as if I plan on dying anytime soon. And there is still Marcelos family. And my mother."

"Marcelo will kill me."

"Oh yes, he will." Marcos eyes where shining. "He will so totally kill you."

Tarja sighed. "No, he won't. He wants this terrible cousin of his to be godmother, I said: fine, then I get you. End of story. He agreed to that. Not without grinding his teeth, but he agreed."

"As a revenge?" Tuomas asked quietly.

Tarja looked at him with sympathy. "No Tuo. Because you've been the most important person in my life for so long. And now we're living worlds apart and everytime we meet I have to find excuses. I know you would be a wonderful godfather for my daughter." She took his hand.

"Please."

"Don't look at me this way."

Marco took his other hand again and made sheep eyes at him. 

"Please."

Anette couldn't hold in her laughter anymore. The whole scene was just too hilarious to watch. Tuomas turned to her and she lifted the phone to him, grinning like an idiot. Tuomas rolled his eyes. He looked at Tarja again.

"Alright.."

Marco jumped off the floor, forcefully clapped his back and cheered.

" _NOT_ for you", Tuomas clarified. "You're really absolutely pathetic, you know that?"

* * *

"I don't talk to you anymore."

"Come on, don't be resentful. It's not my fault you're falling for it every time." Marco looked around and nodded approvingly.

"Good work. How did you get that piece of burnt rubber glove off the table?"

Jukka drew in a breath and sighed deeply.

"Out of sight, out of mind. Shouldn't have been surprised. You're just as all men."

"Huh? Have you sniffed the cleanser? What the heck are you talking about?"

Jukka pulled his phone out of his pocket and showed the photo he had received earlier this day. He put a hand at his chest.

"Don't try to deny it, I know everything. I knew you've got low standards.. but this? Prostitute yourself to get what you want? I am disgusted. But well.. the world needed to know."

Marco stared at the photo then back at Jukka whose mouth was twitching.

"What did you do?"

"There is only you to blame for this."

"What. Did. You. _Do?_ "

Jukka started to grin at him and turned the laptop at the table. It showed their official media page for the journalists. Marco drew in a sharp breath.

"Take that down."

"No."

"You will take that down or I am showing it to Emppu."

"Bad luck, he actually sent me this thing. He also sends his best regards."

"Ewo will strangle you."

"Absolutely worth it."

"Tuomas.. "

" _Oh please_.. I am not afraid of St. Tuomas."

Marco yanked the laptop around and hacked at the keys.

"What's the password?"

"You will get it by yourself."

" _Tell me!_ "

"As if you know how this shit works." Jukka put his phone back and his hands behind his head. "But I feel generous today. I'll give you a hint: it has to do with you being pissed as fuck, a word Tero had written that night on his naked butt and is followed by an impressive two-digit number that really intrigues me. And its not your birth year." 

Marco glared at him. Eventually he typed in something. He looked tortured.

"I cannot believe you made me think of that again", he pressed out between clenched teeth. "You're sick, you know that?"

Jukka still grinned while Marco scrolled through the page administration section.

"Just be thankful I didn't take _that_ photo. Good luck."


End file.
